The Camera Speaks To me

Amuse Me Adam. Do it.

So many things are on my mind right now. I just odn't know where to start.
Maybe I'll start with the relaly good news... I BOUGHT MY TICKET!!! I just did it. No procrastinating, no excuses, its official! I'm going to Seattle, no one can stop me. Not my mom, not my Dad, ... maybe the police, if I break the law or something.. but hopefully not! haha. I am so excited. I am staying with my Cool cousin Fiona. Im not goin to lie though, Im scared out of my mind. I have this problem of thinking that everyone is going to judge me on my looks, and that Im not good enough but hopefully i will get over that someday. But theres always someone that has to be putting me down... luckily I have people who bring me up also. The good overweighs the bad 100% more.
After I get back from Tennessee I really want to move to California, or Flordia, Or New York. . . and a numerous other amount of states. I just need to do something. I feel stuck in this place. Dont get me wrong, I love it. I just feel like I need to accomplish something. And here I'm not. I was going to school, but I need to take a break and get my mind focused. I want to pay off all my loans so I can not have that worry on my back, and frankly I need a job that will pay me well. I think a nannying job will pay me pretty good. Especialy if I make 300-500 a week. I mean It could taker me a up to 2 months to pay off the loans, and thats pretty good. I also need a break from pressure. I have so much pressure from my mom. I lvoe her, but she's slowing causing me to have a heart attack. She worries more about things then me. And I dont like it. im sick of seeing dissapointment or getting put down. I need to feel like Im important and that Im doing something good. So, I need a fresh start. Go somewhere no one knows me. This could be one of the hardest things in my life, but its gotta happen sometime. Even if its only for a year. I want to enjoy my single life.... cause hopefully I will get married. I want to get married. More than anything... well I want to have kids too. I feel like I am almost ready. I just need some working on myself first. And maybe this will give me time to work on myself. I mean, everyone in california, well not eeryone, but many people in California care about their looks and health and things, so maybe that will inspire me. I hate to look at myself these days. Maybe this is emo, but its how I feel. I used to feel a little prettier than I do now... but sadly I have no hope in my self right now. I do not want to be like this anymore. I want people to see me and say "hey, she's a beautiful girl". I dont want to feeel gross about myself. and maybe if I start over new things WILL change for me. I honestly don't know. More than anything I want it to.
I want to get over my fears in life. I hate that I hold myself back. I am my own worst enemy. Its true. I am hard on myself. I know its not all about looks, but I need to feel content with myself. Its going to take more than just typing it on a blog but hopefully this is going to get my thoughts more centered. And not more scattered. If I can find a family, I am going to go. Im scared of losing things here though. LIke what happened last time I moved. I'm scared of things not being the same. But thats life right? Change has to happen. I just hope it doesnt change to much. I don't want my life to change TOO much. I have great things in my life right now, adn I don't want to lose them. I need to start somewhere on becoming an adult though, right??
life.
I'm confused.