The Camera Speaks To me

This is unedited... just written at 1 o clock in the morn. Dont JUDGE!!hah

I have seen a different color scheme.
and I knew i felt it.
When you walked right into my dream.
Sat by my side and told me the words
I've been dying to hear.
Maybe this time I'll let go
and tell you the rhyme in my heart
thats been beating to get out.
Years will soon turn to days,
and when the time catches up
to my reality, I'll be ready to
take out my net and grab hold of it.
I'll just make sure that this time,
I won't let go.


I'll never know unless I try.
This feeling is what I live by.
Cause the time is just around the corner
reaching you, is my destination.
& im willing to drive forever.

Behavior Symptoms
Crying-*
Social Withdrawel-*
Psychomotor retardation (slow movements)
Clinging Behavior-*
Agitation/fidgeting-*

Affective (Emotional) Symtoms
Sadness-*
Irratability-*
Anxiety-*
Guilt-
variation in moods (mood swings)-*
Loss of interest in normally enjoyed activities
Fear-*

Cognitive (Mental) Health
Helplessness
Worthlessness-*
Indecision
Self Blame
Negative self-concept-*
Negative anticipation-*
Thoughts of death or suicide

Somatic (Physical) symptoms
Sleep Disorders-*
Menstrual irregularity-*
Weight loss/Weight Gain-*
Sexual disorders
Weakness
Easy fatiguability
Pain

The symptoms with the * by them I suffered from. I am glad to know that I am not CRAZY and making these things up. I know no one reads this blog, so basically its like Im writing to myself. I hated my life during that time. I felt like a worthless peice of crap. I felt I was losing everyone I cared about, and losing the feeling that people cared about me. The sad thing is, my family doesnt even know I went through this. My mom thinks I'm a failure for other reasons. She doesnt even have a clue that I was depressed.
All I can say is that I'm glad I'm moving on.
Its been so easy for me to be friendly on my rexburg trip. Things came so much easier. I can see a total change from last fall, to this fall.
The OLD days are OVER. The NEW days are IN!
I can see that things are changing, and I LIKE it.
I have a job.
I have a school I like.
I have a BEST FRIEND.
I have a camera.
I have a FAMILY.
I have a GOD.
I have a LIIIIIFEEEE!!

Hey,
how about you just let that wall break down. Im tired of not knowing what your thinking. I'm tired of having to guess. Im tired of not feeling "good" enough.
I need to know that you care. I NEED to know that you miss me. I NEED to know that I have someone. You put up this wall that you feel you have to protect yourself, but in the end your fooling yourself. Your locking it up inside and hiding yourself from the world. You run away from your problems and don't face the facts.

I need to let go of the things that are holding me back and just move onto the future. I want to be freed from these feelings.

I wish I could tell you all the things I feel. Yet, I know you won't listen. Why even try.

I dont know why, but I like it. For certain people in this world, I fall so badly for... and only a few guy have made me feel like that. I dont know whats my problem some days. I try to force myself to feel like that for other people, but it just ends up with nothing. I want that feeling to come back into my life. I want to feel that excitement, mixed with the color in my cheeks to drown me. I felt like fainting. I'm not even exaterating, and I know i do that often. Its like my heart would go crazy, and I would lose all sense of control. It practically was a natural high, or maybe a natural heart attack!.... blah.

No one is cooler than anyone. I hate that people have attitudes (Spencer Pratt, and others) and they think they are cooler than everyone. People are different, and they are unique in their own ways. Just because you wear certain clothes, or have a lot of money, or listen to a certain type of music, doesnt make you cooler. I know sometimes I think that I'm cool, but in reality I'm just different... or the same. We are all people, and I hate that sometimes I judge people just because of the music they listen to, or what they're wearing. It ENDS today. I want to give EVERYONE a chance, and not be cocky in myself. I want to be a people person and love everyone for who they are, not what they have, or what they choose to listen to, watch, or just things that they do in general. !!!!!!!!!!!!! So, from this point on EVERYONE is my friend. I'm not going to speak about them badly or anything unless they do 100 things to betray me. I dont need to have that negativity in my life. Its POINTLESS.
All you need is LOVE.